Online Dating Lies

In the last few years, online dating has increased in popularity.  Before the year 2000, if you said that you were meeting someone from an online dating site, the news was not well received.  You would be chastised for being desperate and wanting to meet weirdoes online, everyone was concerned about your safety because of the one story that they heard on the news of a psycho killer meeting vulnerable women online, etc.  In this day and age, originating a relationship online is a regular occurrence.  According to a new study slated for publication in Psychological Science in the Public Interest, written by Eli J. Finkel, Paul W. Eastwick, Benjamin R. Karney, Harry T. Reis, and Susan Sprecher, online dating has become the number two form of matchmaking in the United States.  It seems like every third advertisement that you see while browsing the internet is for an online dating website.  Almost every religion, race, major city and definitely age group has a site that allows single people from that niche to flirt, chat, wink, poke and/or meet one another. 

 

There are many things that people like about online dating.  One of those things is definitely that you get to control the data that a potential mate gets to see about you from the beginning.  You regulate how much or how little information is shared with viewers of your profile.  It is both positive and negative that you can be whoever you would like to be while online.  It is good that strangers get to see the best part of you upfront.  The problem is, for some people, that anonymity is too tempting and they become an entirely, different person.  It might start out innocently with just a small fib about your age, and the next thing you know you are knee-deep in a thousand different lies and you don’t remember which ones are the lies and which lie you have told to whom.

 

Overall I think that there are four different kinds of lies that people use in online dating profiles:

 

Age

This is, I think, definitely one of the most common items that people lie about online.  Whether it is because you don’t want people to know that you are over 30, or you were over 30 like 15 years ago but still have been telling people that you are 29, it is definitely difficult for some people to even select the correct age range on online dating profiles.  I have been on many dates from different online dating sites and have been out with some people who were at least 10 years older than they said originally.  Unfortunately with this type of lie, there is no way to keep this up over the long term.  Eventually your potential mate is going to see your license or you are going to slip up and not know which year you were born relative to the age that you gave them.  I think that, if you must lie, you could get away originally with 3-5 years age difference, but nothing more than that.  Yes, everyone ages differently, but no one ages that poorly that you look 55 and are really 30.  Well, unless you are a crystal meth user and heavy smoker but that is another situation all together. 

 

Marital status

This is my least favorite and most confusing lie that people tell in online dating profiles.  Single doesn’t necessarily mean single.  If you select single on a dating website profile it should come with a box for comments next to it so folks could explain their situation up front.  Single is more freely used as a state of mind instead of a state of their current relationship.  I have seen it all, unfortunately, with this category of lies.  I have received an email from the man who says that they are separated but their wife just doesn’t know it yet.  I have seen the man who says that he is single and never married but after four dates sends me a text message on my phone and lets me know that his wife won’t let him speak with me anymore.  And don’t forget all of the men that have told me that they were single but that really meant in the process of a divorce. 

 

This lie that people tell about marital status is so ridiculous to me because this one is definitely going to be found out sooner rather than later, especially if you are still married or living with the person to whom you are legally married, in a relationship with, etc.  Eventually the person that you are dating is going to wonder why they are never invited over to your place or why you have a wedding ring tan and you will have to spill the beans.  I would imagine that someone could forgive a small lie about your age but I can’t believe that anyone would be able to forgive a lie about your marital status.  No one wants to hear that they thought you were single and available and instead you are really married with no plans on separation.    

 

Children

I am not ashamed to admit that I have not always wanted children.  In fact, in the past, I used to refuse to date someone if I found out that they had a child.  I have been on numerous dates with men who claim initially to not have children, but what they meant to say was that they had children who just weren’t living with them at that exact moment that we were chatting.  Again, I don’t know why someone would choose to lie about a subject that they cannot possibly change in the future.  Eventually any potential mates are going to wonder why you go to so many school functions for your "nieces and nephews", or why you have pictures of children hanging up in your house.  Having children is a miraculous event that one should never lie about.  You should advise someone upfront that you have children and how many because, honestly, this is a deal breaker for some people.  At that same time you can also tell them how often approximately that you see the child because that might be important information for someone to consider before agreeing to meet you. 

 

Weight/body shape

The most popular lie, in my opinion, is related to body shape and/or how much you weigh.  Most people who weigh more than 100lbs have perfected the art of taking a photo that makes them look 30 lbs. less than they really do.  This is definitely one of most ridiculous lies and will only work out for you if you plan on never meeting this person you are lying to and solely plan on living out this lie for the remainder of your life online.  Otherwise, this potential future mate is definitely going to find out that you were lying about your body shape and weight.  This is one item that you should not lie about.  I am certainly not saying that everyone should be their body weight, pants size and BMI online but just out of common courtesy, don’t say that you are "on the heavier side" or "height/weight proportionate" if you weigh 400 lbs.  There is a person out there who likes every body shape that God put on this Earth, so lying to get with the wrong person is ultimately going to get you nowhere.  If you lead people to believe that you look a certain way, eventually there is going to be disappointment when they find out that you look like a different person.      

 

If you are thinking that you are trying to meet a potential mate that you would like to stay with for more than a few days, then you should think clearly about how many items you would like to have to explain that you originally lied about.  Fundamentally, no one likes to know that they have been lied to.  Is the person that you find while online dating going to appreciate you having to explain that you are really still married, 15 years older than you originally said, with 2 more kids than you admitted to and no job?  I am definitely not saying that you have to 100% disclose everything about yourself upfront, but maybe one should take the stance that withholding information is not technically lying.  No one wants a relationship to start off with lies.