Bonus day

So, my department at work participates in an annual bonus plan.  Today was payout day for that bonus!  And it was payday so it was like a double bonus.  I am grateful to work for such an amazing company that allows me to do something that I like to do and pays me for it even though I have very little past experience doing anything like this.  In this time of job uncertainty and very little job security, you will never catch me speaking ill of the company that I work for.   

This is the time of year that Corry and I evaluate what we have and what we need and/or want for the upcoming year that we might not be able to afford.  We also look at what we might want to do now that we have some spare cash laying around since we also just got our tax return back.  It seems like now that we have two kids there is always something on that list that is bigger and better than last year.  This year there are several new items on the list including gun(s) and ammo, car parts, etc.  One item missing from the list so far: something for me.

Corry explicitly told me this year to buy me something for myself.  I have the hardest time with this.  Why is it that, as parents, when we have children we develop this need to only buy things for our children?  When does that stop?  Or does it ever stop?  I know that I am not the only mother in the universe that buys things for my children instead of buying things for myself.  I am, of course, not talking about food, water, shelter, necessities, etc.  I can go to Target or to the mall with the intention to buy myself something and I will come out later with toys and clothes for both kids and nothing for me.  I don't intentionally not buy things for myself; it just seems more fun to buy stuff for my kids, I guess. 

Corry and I are very lucky that we make enough money between our two jobs to not only pay our bills and provide us the stuff that we need to survive but also keep us well stocked with items that we want.  Rarely do I have to think about a list of things that I want, and when I do I always end up drawing a blank.  This year we are blessed enough to get to do a lot of different new things: garden, join a camping group, etc.  I would like to round out this year and those items by re-learning how to buy things for myself and develop a healthy list of wants.  I think that it seems like the right thing to do to help me get back to feeling like "me" instead of feeling like just some one's mother.  Just typing that makes me feel selfish and judgmental, by the way. 

I know that I am not the only relatively new mother who has a hard time coming to terms with this new person that I have become after having kids.  Before I had my first child, I envisioned that I would stay like Me but I would just have a child.  That didn't happen.  The second that she was born I was a changed person.  I can't explain it really well, but everything was different.  I transitioned immediately into this new person whose every waking moment was consumed by this other living, breathing human and it was difficult to turn that part of my brain off enough to even sleep.  I went back to work after three-ish months of being home and a new transition began to the 'working mom' which is the person that I have been ever since.

 I have only recently determined that I really miss the person that I used to be.  I love my kids and I wouldn't change them for the world, but I wish that I would have known how to keep more of me along with this mother title that I adopted.  It seems like a lot harder to figure out how to get her back, but I would like to try and I feel like at least figuring out a list of things that I want for myself might help me to get part of the way there.  I am going to update a blog in about a month from now (hopefully) with a list of items that I would like for myself.