Bathtime = necessary?

I despise giving my children a bath. Not necessarily the thought behind it because yes, I want my children clean and yes, I want them to have a healthy relationship with bathing and water in general, but the actual act of bathing my children is my absolute most hated chore. I will go on record and say that I would rather change 25 poopy diapers right in a row than bathe my kids. I think that if we could rectify a few things bath time would go a lot smoother:

1. My son has a "thing" about bubbles. He is 1. My daughter loved bubbles at that age. Most kids love them. He hates them. Or is scared of them. We haven't narrowed it down. Maybe it's because he knows that inevitably his sister is going to pour bubbles over his head and face the entire bath time and he just doesn't want bubbles in his mouth. He screams if he sees them and she screams if she takes a bath without them. You already can't win and you are not even in the tub yet.

2. Both kids love to splash. I know what you are thinking. "I have seen cute videos of kids on YouTube splashing in the bathtub and it is so cute!!" Wrong. Tiny baby splashing is cute. Toddler splashing is a flooded bathroom if you aren't careful. Any splashing at our house usually ends up with either me or my husband soaked from outside of the tub + at least one child acting like they are drowning because the other got water in their face.

3. Both kids become deaf as soon as they hit the water. This doesn't bode well for swim lessons or being around the water in the future. We don't let our kids stand up in the bathtub. I don't allow it because our tubs are slippery on the bottom and I don't want them falling and busting their lips open. My husband, I would assume, has the same reasoning. We haven't ever talked about it but I overhear him saying "Do not stand up in the tub" like 9 million times while they are bathing so I know that he has the same rule. Even though they hear the rules every time that they take a bath, it is still like a new time every time they get a bath. Do not splash and do not stand up get repeated at least 90 times a piece during a 30 minute bath. My husband and I are not well known for our patience so you can imagine how this goes.

If it wasn't socially unacceptable I think that I would just spray them down with a garden hose outside.