Things you shouldn't say to your wife

Every married man has been there.  You are thinking about something completely different while your wife is talking and you utter a comment in response to something that she said.  As soon as you let it leave your lips your brain struggles desperately to pull it back.  At this point, if your tongue could leap out of your mouth and reel that comment back in like a fishing line it would.  As soon as you hear what you said you are instantly dreading ever even opening your mouth, because you know that "the Look" that you are about to get from your wife is going to be a cross between “I want to murder you.” and “You are the most stupid man ever.”   

 

Let’s say that up until this point you have been very lucky and have never seen "the Look", or you are just not paying attention and have never noticed "the Look".  Below are three things that you should never in a million years say to your wife.  Ever.

 

Are you going to wear *that*? 

This is destined for disaster.  As a woman, if our husband asks us this, we are automatically thinking that he means that we look awful, that it shows off that one part of our body that we hate the most, etc.  This one question is guaranteed to set off a barrage of other follow-up questions about the location, the other people there, what they will be wearing, how we look, how our butt looks, if you think that we look that bad then why didn’t you say something earlier, etc.  Unless you are prepared for something in the neighborhood of 30 minutes of questions related to “Are you going to wear that?” then maybe you should pick a different question.  A man might not even be saying anything bad; he might just be asking if we are ready to go and chosen the wrong wording at the wrong time.  Either way you are headed towards a black hole that you would never be able to recover from.  More appropriate questions would be “Are you ready to go?” or comments like “You look nice in that outfit – it really shows off (fill in comment re: one of the parts of her body that she likes).”  Odds are good a woman has already put on anywhere from three to seventeen different outfits before she decided on the one that she is wearing right now.  If she decides that she looks decent enough in the clothes that she has on to go out in public wearing them and you make any comments about how she looks other than to tell her she looks great can do a number on her self-esteem that you will end up paying for all night.        

 

 

 

That woman is gorgeous!

I don’t know what in a man’s mind makes him think that talking about another beautiful woman to your woman is ever a good idea.  Instantly, upon hearing that, your wife starts thinking back to the last time that you complimented her which better be immediately after complimenting a stranger.  It also starts her brain thinking about your liking that part of that woman’s body better than you like hers.  In case you didn’t already know, it is better to not ever say anything complimentary about another woman in front of your wife.  Of course, I know that there are some relationships that can stand behavior like this, but it is still a good practice to ensure that you compliment your wife MUCH more than you compliment strangers.  Paying more attention to a stranger, or even worse, someone that you know can really begin to drive a wedge of insecurity between the two of you in your relationship.  It’s the same as your wife constantly talking about how hot a male movie star is and how much she would prefer to be with someone like that.  If you would like to ever spend any private, quality time with your wife again, you should refrain from commenting other women or you should say something like “That woman is gorgeous, but she has absolutely nothing compared to your beautiful face and amazing figure.” 

 

You remind me of your mom. 

Great.  So your wife reminds you of a woman that usually you say that you have a problem with.  And she reminds you of a woman who is, at least, 20 years older than she is and that I see as not even remotely like me, as far as looks.  I love my mother to death, and I think that she will always be beautiful, but I definitely don’t remind myself on a day to day basis of my mother.  Most younger women, on a good day, think that they are beautiful, youthful looking, sexual creatures and to suddenly have your husband tell you that you remind him of a woman who is older, and who you remember taking care of you when you are sick and making you dinners.  Not appealing.  Also, when you say this, it is normally said with a negative connotation anyway usually when you are fighting.  You might say it but you don’t realize that you are also implying that your wife looks old, motherly and not sexual in any way, shape, or form.  If you are trying to say this to be complimentary, you should definitely rethink and use other words.  If you are trying to use this as a dig, then you get used to sleeping alone. 

 

I could honestly go on and on.  There are at least one thousand different things that my husband has said to me over the four years that we have been married that I could include here.  I usually don’t hear things like this from my mother about my father any longer, so either a man gets smarter over the years or the women just learn how to deal with it.  I am certainly not implying that every woman is a frail flower and that her psyche can’t handle being talked to in a negative manner by her husband, because that is definitely not the case.  I am merely suggesting that for a more harmonious home life, you should heed these warnings and just stop and think about how your comment is going to affect your wife and how much that is going to affect her relationship with you in the future.      

Online Dating Lies

In the last few years, online dating has increased in popularity.  Before the year 2000, if you said that you were meeting someone from an online dating site, the news was not well received.  You would be chastised for being desperate and wanting to meet weirdoes online, everyone was concerned about your safety because of the one story that they heard on the news of a psycho killer meeting vulnerable women online, etc.  In this day and age, originating a relationship online is a regular occurrence.  According to a new study slated for publication in Psychological Science in the Public Interest, written by Eli J. Finkel, Paul W. Eastwick, Benjamin R. Karney, Harry T. Reis, and Susan Sprecher, online dating has become the number two form of matchmaking in the United States.  It seems like every third advertisement that you see while browsing the internet is for an online dating website.  Almost every religion, race, major city and definitely age group has a site that allows single people from that niche to flirt, chat, wink, poke and/or meet one another. 

 

There are many things that people like about online dating.  One of those things is definitely that you get to control the data that a potential mate gets to see about you from the beginning.  You regulate how much or how little information is shared with viewers of your profile.  It is both positive and negative that you can be whoever you would like to be while online.  It is good that strangers get to see the best part of you upfront.  The problem is, for some people, that anonymity is too tempting and they become an entirely, different person.  It might start out innocently with just a small fib about your age, and the next thing you know you are knee-deep in a thousand different lies and you don’t remember which ones are the lies and which lie you have told to whom.

 

Overall I think that there are four different kinds of lies that people use in online dating profiles:

 

Age

This is, I think, definitely one of the most common items that people lie about online.  Whether it is because you don’t want people to know that you are over 30, or you were over 30 like 15 years ago but still have been telling people that you are 29, it is definitely difficult for some people to even select the correct age range on online dating profiles.  I have been on many dates from different online dating sites and have been out with some people who were at least 10 years older than they said originally.  Unfortunately with this type of lie, there is no way to keep this up over the long term.  Eventually your potential mate is going to see your license or you are going to slip up and not know which year you were born relative to the age that you gave them.  I think that, if you must lie, you could get away originally with 3-5 years age difference, but nothing more than that.  Yes, everyone ages differently, but no one ages that poorly that you look 55 and are really 30.  Well, unless you are a crystal meth user and heavy smoker but that is another situation all together. 

 

Marital status

This is my least favorite and most confusing lie that people tell in online dating profiles.  Single doesn’t necessarily mean single.  If you select single on a dating website profile it should come with a box for comments next to it so folks could explain their situation up front.  Single is more freely used as a state of mind instead of a state of their current relationship.  I have seen it all, unfortunately, with this category of lies.  I have received an email from the man who says that they are separated but their wife just doesn’t know it yet.  I have seen the man who says that he is single and never married but after four dates sends me a text message on my phone and lets me know that his wife won’t let him speak with me anymore.  And don’t forget all of the men that have told me that they were single but that really meant in the process of a divorce. 

 

This lie that people tell about marital status is so ridiculous to me because this one is definitely going to be found out sooner rather than later, especially if you are still married or living with the person to whom you are legally married, in a relationship with, etc.  Eventually the person that you are dating is going to wonder why they are never invited over to your place or why you have a wedding ring tan and you will have to spill the beans.  I would imagine that someone could forgive a small lie about your age but I can’t believe that anyone would be able to forgive a lie about your marital status.  No one wants to hear that they thought you were single and available and instead you are really married with no plans on separation.    

 

Children

I am not ashamed to admit that I have not always wanted children.  In fact, in the past, I used to refuse to date someone if I found out that they had a child.  I have been on numerous dates with men who claim initially to not have children, but what they meant to say was that they had children who just weren’t living with them at that exact moment that we were chatting.  Again, I don’t know why someone would choose to lie about a subject that they cannot possibly change in the future.  Eventually any potential mates are going to wonder why you go to so many school functions for your "nieces and nephews", or why you have pictures of children hanging up in your house.  Having children is a miraculous event that one should never lie about.  You should advise someone upfront that you have children and how many because, honestly, this is a deal breaker for some people.  At that same time you can also tell them how often approximately that you see the child because that might be important information for someone to consider before agreeing to meet you. 

 

Weight/body shape

The most popular lie, in my opinion, is related to body shape and/or how much you weigh.  Most people who weigh more than 100lbs have perfected the art of taking a photo that makes them look 30 lbs. less than they really do.  This is definitely one of most ridiculous lies and will only work out for you if you plan on never meeting this person you are lying to and solely plan on living out this lie for the remainder of your life online.  Otherwise, this potential future mate is definitely going to find out that you were lying about your body shape and weight.  This is one item that you should not lie about.  I am certainly not saying that everyone should be their body weight, pants size and BMI online but just out of common courtesy, don’t say that you are "on the heavier side" or "height/weight proportionate" if you weigh 400 lbs.  There is a person out there who likes every body shape that God put on this Earth, so lying to get with the wrong person is ultimately going to get you nowhere.  If you lead people to believe that you look a certain way, eventually there is going to be disappointment when they find out that you look like a different person.      

 

If you are thinking that you are trying to meet a potential mate that you would like to stay with for more than a few days, then you should think clearly about how many items you would like to have to explain that you originally lied about.  Fundamentally, no one likes to know that they have been lied to.  Is the person that you find while online dating going to appreciate you having to explain that you are really still married, 15 years older than you originally said, with 2 more kids than you admitted to and no job?  I am definitely not saying that you have to 100% disclose everything about yourself upfront, but maybe one should take the stance that withholding information is not technically lying.  No one wants a relationship to start off with lies. 

Going to bed angry is ok

So I love my husband all of the time.  100% of the time.  However, there are snippets of time that I want to punch my husband in the face.  There are probably more times than that where he feels the same way about me.  I know that I am a difficult spouse.  I still love him during those times but I might not like him very much.  I think that happens with any marriage, right?  Hopefully, you're saying yes, or else I seem like a jerk. 

Last night was one of those nights.  I will admit that I tend to get crankier and crankier as the week goes on because of lack of sleep and stress of my job.  I won't get into what specifically happened last night because I don't generally like to talk about my marriage problems publicly and partially because it was a stupid fight that didn't  mean anything.  It isn't an ongoing thing and it wasn't major. 

Common marriage advice from a long time ago was to never go to bed angry.  I don't know the exact justification behind this advice but I tend to follow exactly the opposite.  I would rather just go to bed and chill out and talk about it the next day then fight it out while it is happening.  Perhaps you aren't supposed to go to bed angry because you will forget about what happened or have a tendency to bury your emotions or something like that.  I think that you talk the next day or the next few days about the real issues and don't bring dumb emotions into the picture.  Chances are good that by the time that you talk to your partner about the fight that you are done with the initial anger/hurt/etc and you are able to just talk about the issues.  At least, this is what happens with me and Corry. 

Compared to the "average" couple, Corry and I rarely fight.  We have stupid arguments but in general we never fight.  Usually the next day one or both of us are over it and able to move on.  There are things that we both do that agitate the other one but we are able to talk through some of those issues like adults.  I still think that every so often we should be able to use those Sock 'em Bopper toys on each other to resolve fights.   There could be something said for that kind of physical release. 


If I had to give newlyweds one piece of advice it would be to not try to force other couple's relationship advice work for you.  Some couples remain together by being together all the time like these couples from my job.  They drive back and forth to work together, go to lunch together and work in similar departments.  I need a separation from my spouse in order to maintain that closeness.  I don't know if that makes sense but it makes sense to me.  I need a separate work life from my home life.  It's the same logic for why I think that I could never work from home full time.  What works for other couples doesn't have to work for you.  Make your own love rules. 

-Sara

Parenting advice

If I could go back and do it all again with my first child I definitely would. There are things that I regret.  There are things that I missed that I wish that I could recapture.  There are things that I know now that I wish someone would have told me before I wanted to even get pregnant.  Wouldn't it be nice if constructive and helpful advice were easy to come by? 

 

When you first find out that you are pregnant, a million different questions come to mind: Will I be a good parent? How am I going to afford this? What is my child going to look like? If you are like me, then you begin an insane amount of research on how to be pregnant, how to be a good parent, how to handle labor, etc. And then it happens… the unwanted advice. 

 

It's gradual... First it’s your grandmother telling you the best position to get babies to sleep. Then it’s your aunt telling you the best nursery colors to use to enhance your baby’s intelligence. Then it’s the woman scanning your groceries at the grocery store telling you that formula will cause your baby to have cancer and has rocket fuel in it.  The advice and personal experiences seem to get more and more outlandish as time goes on. Some of the advice is potentially useful, while other pieces make you wonder how this person got through adulthood without being committed to an insane asylum.

This post is going to be an explanation of three statements that should help you through most decisions that will affect both you and your impending baby.

 

Trust your instincts 

 

You remember you instincts, right?  It's that little voice that tells you that something bad is about to happen in movies... and not to touch hot stoves... and gives you general little "feelings" about events that happen in your life.  We all have them.  And we used to use them.  Well, not we... but we as a people.  A thousand years ago women used to give birth just fine without doctors telling them when to push and nurses telling them to lay back so they could be checked for the 9th time in 2 hours.  I'm not suggesting that people should stop going to doctors and have all their babies unassisted at home because that's how they did it in the past.  However, I am saying that perhaps we should learn how to listen to our inner voice a little bit more and men in white coats a little bit less. 

 

Perhaps if we paid more attention to our instincts and less attention to what a stranger over the internet says to do with our children to make them smarter then we could lean at the same time.  If we sat down and played with our children instead of buying them games teaching them how to play then we could be better parents.  Don't you remember when you were a child there was this newfangled idea called 'playing outside'?  You just were outdoors playing with your friends, or by yourself and no one had to teach you how to do it; you just knew how to do it.  You played with rocks and sticks and dirt and trees.  I'm not judging this one at all because my two young children have iPhones.  It's a learning process. 

 

Do your own research

 

I remember a time, when I was a child, when I had this insatiable desire to learn.  Some people have that need to learn languages; others feel that way about cars.  Why doesn't anyone feel this way about anything important anymore?  Shouldn't we feel like, as a parent, that we should be insatiable learners about vaccines that we give to our children?  Or car seat safety?  Or the lasting effects of high fructose corn syrup on our bodies?  Why do we want to take someone else's word when it comes to our legacy?  We should care to know what's going into their body and what they are exposed to.  If you find out that what the "experts" say is, in fact, the case for your family and situation, then good.  Don't you imagine that you would feel a sense of accomplishment knowing that if someone asked you a question about your choice that you would be able to answer and not just say "oh, well, the almighty Google said so".   

 

Truthfully, this might sound completely opposite to my first piece of advice, but it doesn't have to be.  You aren't going to be able to live completely 100% free from the outside world.  Eventually you are going to need a doctor for a high fever, and you will definitely need a car seat if you are going to go anywhere.  Do some research for your family.  The most important thing is not necessarily that you made the best choice, but that YOU made the best, most well-researched choice for your family. 

 

Be flexible  

This piece of advice is usually used annoyingly and condescendingly by a lot of women to talk you through a labor and delivery that you don’t want or to get you to give in to something that you don’t want for your baby. “Oh you want a natural birth – be flexible because you will change your mind!” “Oh you want to cloth diaper your children –be flexible because you will do it one day and be tired of it!” I am not using it in that way. I am saying that if you decide that you want to co-sleep with your baby before he is born because you like the idea of the bonding and closeness that comes from this sleeping arrangement, don’t get all bent out of shape if your child needs his sleeping space. Just alter a different part of your life to get that bond from some other part. Learn that being flexible doesn’t mean giving in on items that are important to you, it simply means opening your mind to alternate solutions.

My husband and I swore up and down that we would NEVER bedshare with our kids. His eldest children were bed-sharers and it was torture to get them eventually into their own sleeping areas and routines. Corry and I love our sleep and are both cranky without proper amounts of rest. We felt that it would be in everyone’s best interest if our children had their own beds. We knew that we would co-sleep for the first year at least, because our baby room was upstairs and I didn’t feel comfortable being that far away from our daughter. We had her crib all set up in our room for months before she was born with the intention of bringing her home and her settling right into it. Until she was born… and it was quickly discovered that she wouldn’t sleep longer than 15ish minutes unless she was being held. She wouldn’t sleep at all at night unless she had her head on my arm and was clinging to my side like a monkey. I’m not talking that she whined if she didn’t sleep like this – NO ONE was getting sleep unless she was in this exact position. She slept this way until she was exactly 16 weeks old and then one night decided that she could sleep in her own bed. I was prepared for this same fate with my son and he HATED to sleep next to anyone. He will forcibly roll himself around until he gets away from any other person sleeping in his same area. He slept in his own bed from day one. We have learned to be flexible to our children’s needs and desires, while still keeping with our family values and morals. 

 

Remember that it's going to get better.  Eventually people will stop givng you constant advice.  

 

- Sara