Change

Change.  We, as humans, are all in a constant state of change.  Well, not all of us... but anyone who is not 'stuck in a rut' can admit that something about us is always changing, even if it is just the brand of shampoo that we wear or the color of the shirt that we put on in the morning.  Some changes are larger and more important than others.  Often, whether we know it or not at the time, some of the changes that we make affect us for the remainder of our lives.     

Our family is going through some major life changes over the next few months.  I will definitely share more when I can but just know that we are all fine and this is definitely nothing horrible. 

In all of this change going on with our family, it has caused me to evaluate my relationship(s) with my children.  Before I had children, I wondered how a person could love someone the way that people always talked about loving their children.  When I met my husband's kids from a previous marriage, I loved them and, of course, I never wanted anything bad to happen to them.  It was a different kind of love than I expected it to be, but it was real and true.  Unfortunately, as anyone can attest who has step-parents or step-children, that transition is always hard and bumpy in the beginning.  Well, and in the middle, and in the end. 

When I was pregnant with Isabella, I worried that I would love my biological children more than my other kids.  When she was born, I realized that was not true.  It was a different love.  It wasn't more, or less, or even the same.  It was different and that different was all right.  Silas being born reinforced that you don't love all your children the same.  I love all of my children differently and that is ok and expected.  Each one of the four of them is special in their own way, irreplaceable and each one of them has a special piece of my heart.   

I am certainly not advocating that you play favorites between your children or that you would choose one child over the others in any situation ever.   I had a person explain it to me like this in the past:  your love for your children isn't a percentage out of one bucket.  All the love for your children isn't shared; it increases with the addition of each one.  And I feel like this is totally true.

So, the re-evaluation... I am resolving to be nicer.  I am not proud of it but there are days when I yell.  There are days when I tell my children to sit down because they are wanting to tell me something for the 85th time.  There are days when I want my children to nap at the same time so I can have five minutes to myself to listen to the silence.  I don't want there to be a day that goes by that any of my children think that I don't love them or care about them with all of my heart. 

I want to listen when they talk.  No matter how much they talk or how often they talk.  I want to be fully present in the moment with them watching them learn, grow and thrive.  I am super excited to see my eldest daughter start high school (what?!) and youngest son learn to talk this year.

This was not one of my resolutions for this year but it has suddenly become one of the most important things in my life.  I will keep you all updated on our progress through our change and also on our happiness as a family for this year.  Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts for us.